Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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