and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
