there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
