I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
