i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
