i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
