Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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