Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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