8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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