went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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