Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
