I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
