No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
