he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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