I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
