I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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