Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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