I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
