She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
