She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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