got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
