I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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