WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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