Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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