You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
