Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hippo gnu deer
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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