my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
