dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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