i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
