his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
