I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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