I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
