he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
