put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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