My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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