At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
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