i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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