the condom got lost in my hair
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
