My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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