Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
