Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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