Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
