I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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