My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
