Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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