I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
