Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
