The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
