we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
