I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
